Of Lasting Impact

We returned this past week from our weeklong camp in the village of Kalinenska...a remote part of the Kherson region. This was our 4th summer heading back to work with these kids. 

The hardest part about going back every year is seeing that they are still there.  I look at my pictures from the previous years and I see how the kids are growing and changing... and yet there they remain, isolated in a tiny village, waiting for the next group of guests to arrive...hoping for a change from the normal.

What amazes me each year about these kids is their memory.  These are kids who struggle in school and have a hard time putting letters together and remembering one English word I teach them, and yet they remember specific details of previous years together as if the events happened only yesterday.  They will recite which games we played in 2009, they recite song lyrics from two years ago, they will go into detail about films we showed them and they can even remember which day of the week we showed up  last year!

 Honestly it was mind blowing to hear the kind of details they remembered.  After doing dozens of these camps I have a hard time separating them in my mind, and truthfully they all start to blur together. I have to look at the pictures to remind myself who was who and what we did.  Not for these kids. They remember the specifics.  The moments are engrained in their minds.... because for them these moments are significant.  The monotonous routine is broken and they are given a break.  The scenery stays the same perhaps, but the people who fill it are now different.

I started thinking more about this because I realized that to us the camp might just seem like a lot of work at times-- Details to coordinate, games to organize, lessons to create.  And then we wonder whether it makes a difference, if there is any lasting impact??  Well this year as I was hearing child after child rattle off details about previous camps I felt as if God was whispering to my heart....Yes, Karen, it does matter.  Don't let yourself think otherwise.

So this year as we played silly games, taught the lessons, sang the songs and pointed them to the truth of Jesus I found comfort in knowing that even though they don't always seem to pay attention...something here is sticking...something is getting through.    When we leave and they go back to their normal, they will draw upon these precious memories and they will find comfort. 

Maybe it will start as just a simple memory about one of the games, but prayerfully they will draw up words of scripture, words of hope and truth that have the power to change them forever.  

"As the rain and the snow

    come down from heaven,

and do not return to it

    without watering the earth

and making it bud and flourish, 

    so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, 

¹¹ 

so is my word that goes out from my mouth:

    It will not return to me empty, 

but will accomplish what I desire

    and achieve the purpose for which I sent it."

Isaiah 55:10-11

Leaving for another camp tomorrow...this time for 2 weeks. Please keep our team in your prayers.

Finding a place to call home

Last summer we brought 13 kids on a hosting trip to Seattle through a project called Window to Hope that we began through my home church (Northshore) last year.  Two of those girls were adopted in March  by a Northshore family and another 3 are nearing the day when they too will finally leave the orphanage for good and have a place to call HOME.

Some of you who have been following along for several years may remember the story of Oksana Faith who was adopted by a family in my church 3 years ago.  Well, when the Jones family hosted through our program last summer, they did not expect that they would soon be walking down the adoption path again...except not to bring home just one child....but THREE! When the kids first left the Jones did think they were in a place to adopt again, but after a couples months of waiting an praying they got the green light to move ahead.  When I got the news it was shock mixed with joy! So the Jones family will go from having 3 to 6 children in just a few short weeks!  Amazing what God can do.

My heart is over-flowing knowing that these three children will now have a family to love them forever.  To walk with each of them on their individuals roads to healing. I'm even more excited that these smiling faces are being added to my home church...now a total of 6 adopted children from Ukraine will be in their midst! I am continually humbled at the goodness of our God.

Do keep the Jones in your prayers, as they are currently awaiting a court date and this region is known for taking awhile!

This summer we are brining 10 more children to the Seattle area through Window to Hope. You can visit the link to learn more.

Spring....into Summer!

Well my lack of posting is a testament to the kind of spring I have had-- very full!!

I spent the bulk of May putting together the final touches of our spring play at Kiev Christian Academy- "Pride & Prejudice"- it was a lot of work and a lot of fun and in the end turned out to be an amazing production.  This is my little creative outlet here in Kiev, teaching drama in my 'spare' time. This was my 8th production with KCA and by far one of the most complicated.  We had an awesome Ukrainian seamstress make all the costumes, and as you can see- she was fabulous.

with my darling cast!

The Bennett Family!

Elizabeth finally gives in...

 

Now it is 1:30 am on the eve before heading to camp and I find myself posting this blog instead of in bed where I should be! Last minute...as the story seems to go. But just wanted to send out a quick update to say you can be praying for our team as we head to the Kalinenska orphanage in Kherson region. This will be our 4th year doing a day camp with the kids in the orphanage there and we are excited to get back and build on the years of relationships developed.

last year at camp

Please pray for:


*unity
*creativity
*open hearts and ears
*leading by the Holy Spirit
*healing of hearts
*safety of team and kids


Will look forward to sharing more when I return!

Summit Recap

Well I returned from my whirl-wind trip to the US where I was attending the Christian Alliance for Orphan's Summit at Saddleback Church in California.  Although it was a super quick trip, I am so thankful for this opportunity I had to attend this very inspiring event.

I was privileged to listen to the likes of Rick and Kay Warren, Francis Chan, Denis Rainey, Steven Curtis Chapman and Dr. Karyn Purvis.  Even better than listening to these amazing teachers I was united with countless dear friends in the adoption/orphan care sphere-- many that I hadn't seen in years!  From adoptive parents, to ministry partners, to blog and facebook friends, it felt more like a family reunion than a conference!

The most impacting part of the week for me was the all day event on Wednesday with Karyn Purvis who is one of the leading specialists in working with children from hard places.  Many are familiar with her book The Connected Child, and while at the conference I was able to pick up her DVD teaching series--which is a must for any adoptive parent.  She speaks with such wisdom and experience and truly gives hope to parents who are struggling with their children. (http://empoweredtoconnect.org/)

Some of our Orphan's Promise team at our booth 

At the conference we also launched a new DVD series put out by Orphan's Promise called "Adoption and Foster Care RX" It is a great resource for adoptive and foster families and I look forward to sharing more about that next month when it is officially launched and will be made available for purchase.

Another great part of the weekend was the time that they gave to national leaders.  The conference highlighted about 4 countries that are actively taking care of and adopting orphans in their own countries.  The work of Ukraine without Orphans was highlighted and I was honored to see so many of the gentlemen I work with on a daily basis step on stage and share about how the adoption movement is growing in Ukraine.

Ruslan sharing about work being done in Ukraine

Kris- my dear friend--adoptive mom and co-founder of Ukraine Orphan Outreach

I also finally got to meet Carrie. Our moms are the best of friends- but us daughters finally got to connect at the Summit! Carrie is mama to 3 beautiful children from Ghana and we have been each-others blog followers for years.  I was so thankful or this chance to meet up face to face-- I just love her heart to bring healing to kids!

My sweet friend Holly-- her and husband Jason adopted from Ukraine and they were the 'inspirations' behind my hospitality ministry. So I either need to thank them or blame them that my house is always full of guests!

It was announced on the last night that next year's conference will take place in Nashville! Not sure if I'll make it, but if you have a chance, you should look into attending-- you will be more than encouraged if you do and will also gain valuable resources and information in the realm of adoptive parenting and orphan care.

Orphan Summit in California!

While Ukrainians are busy (not working) and celebrating the May holidays this week....I'm off to California!!  Not typical for me to make a trip to the USA this time of year, but I am finally getting to attend the Christian Alliance for Orphans Summit, which happens to be in Los Angeles!  This is an annual event that gathers Christian ministries and organizations that are passionate about orphan care and adoption. While there it is a chance to meet, talk, strategize and attend a whole variety of workshops and seminars.

I'm so excited for this opportunity to be surrounded by other like-minded people who are passionate about this topic-- and it's a double bonus that I'll be reunited with several adoptive families I know and other partners in ministry- it will be like a family reunion I am sure!  I also will get to hear amazing speakers like Francis Chan and Karyn Purvis-- and I am a huge fan of both!

Excited much? Just a little!!

Can't wait to report back and share what I learn.

A map of orphanhood in Ukraine

This map of orphanhood in Ukraine was put together by friends with the Alliance: Ukraine without Orphans.  I was asked to help edit the English version for foreign audiences, so here is what we have.  I realize this map may be difficult to read, so below are the numbers spelled out in bigger font.


This map really helps clarify the situation and shows the reality of the situation-- many older kids, kids with disabilities and lots of sibling groups!

Best areas in Ukraine

(0.5% of children are orphans)

Average areas in Ukraine

(1.2% of children are orphans)

Worst areas in Ukraine

(1.9% of children are orphans)

Total number of children in Ukraine – 9 million

(17.8% of the country's population)

1.5 million children are being raised by a single parent

250,000 children experience abuse, brutal treatment and exploitation

In addition to orphans, there are over 40,000 children living in institutions who do not have official orphan status.

35,000 children have been adopted since Ukraine’s independence

The total number of orphans and children without parental care is 96,000.

Out of those children:

10,000 are in foster care and family type orphanages,

63,000 live with guardians,

up to 23,000 live in institutions/orphanages for children.

27,000 are available for adoption, of those available for adoption, 90% of them are either over 5 years old, have illnesses or disabilities or are part of a sibling group.

Every year 17,000 children become orphans or are deprived of parental care.

Every year 12,000 children turn 18-year's old, the age of legal independence.

Hope that helps!

The day in-between...

Today, on this Saturday I find myself reflecting on the significance of today-- the day between good Friday and Easter.  Well at least in the western world it is.  (Ukraine doesn't recognize Easter till next weekend, according to the Orthodox calendar).

It's a rather depressing day when you stop and think about it.  The disciples had seen Jesus die and suffer on Friday and then awoke on Saturday with the realization that the very one they had put their hope and faith in was gone.  Jesus was no longer suffering on the cross-- he was in the grave.  It seemed over.  I've been thinking about that a lot today.  Trying to imagine what Jesus' followers would have been thinking, experiencing, and trying to understand. I can't imagine anyone was up for any theological banter or dialogue, yet instead I picture it as a very solemn and quiet day, most people likely without words.  Were they calling to mind the things Jesus had eluded to about raising from the dead?  Were some of them clinging to a hope that the story wasn't finished?  I can't imagine the depth of the thoughts and questions swirling in their heads...or the sense of abandonment they must have experienced.

Scripture tells us very little about this day in between. I read through all 4 gospel accounts today to seek out any information that would shed light on that silent day- the day between Good Friday and the day of Resurrection, and what struck me was the absence of information.  We know it was the Sabbath and therefore the day of rest and they did rest 'in obedience to the commandment' (Luke 23:56) , but there is nothing to tell us what the disciples were thinking- no writings to tell us that they all gathered to pray or discuss their thoughts, no words expressing even doubt.

I can't help but thinking what that day would have been like had I been there. How very alone and confused I would have felt, wanting to believe that the story wasn't over, but struggling with the reality that my eyes would have seen.

I don't know if you are living in a day 'in between' experience right now. Maybe you've seen the goodness of God and been living a life pursuing Jesus, but the problems and challenges in life right now have placed you in a valley, and you can't seem to see beyond the reality of today. You want to have faith to believe, but all your eyes see are obstacles. I've felt like that at moments lately.  Longing to hold tightly to God's promises of redemption, but face to face with the reality of sin and despair that I see around me.

I am glad I have today to realize this. To live for just one day in the tension between Good Friday and Easter. To realize there are dark days, days that feel hopeless. How grateful I am though, that I don't have to remain there-- and that I know the rest of the story.  I get to read ahead.

My life would certainly be a mess if it wasn't for the rest of the story.  The part of the story when the tomb is found empty and when Jesus conquers death!  The part when the enemy is defeated, because the grave could not hold the creator of the universe! The part when Jesus comes and speaks his peace and promises to send his Holy Spirit to lead and guide us. That is a story worth telling. That is a story that brings hope and freedom.

Sometimes I think it takes living through the Saturday experiences to understand the rest of the story.  Because it is in my moments of hopelessness that I most fully recognize my need of a savior.

" Let us fix our eyes on Jesus the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow wear and lose heart." Hebrews 12:2-3

"For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed. from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. He was chosen before the creation of the word but was revealed in these last times for your sake. Through him you believe in God, who raised him from the dead and glorified him, and so your faith and hope are in God." 1 Peter 1:18-21

Looking forward to tomorrow,

Strength renewed!

 I'm overwhelmed with gratitude!  This past weekend our conference "Strengtheing Families" took place in Kiev at the Radisson hotel (who gave an amazing discount) and it was an unforgettable weekend for nearly 100 foster and adoptive couples from across Ukraine.  The couples that attended are parenting a total of 377 foster and adoptive children!

There is a growing movement of foster care and adoption among Christians in Ukraine, but to date, trainings and resources have been very limited.  This was our second conference we have hosted with the goal of providing resources and encouragement for these families, many of which are in the midst of very difficult circumstances.

To say that these families left feeling renewed and refreshed would be an understatement. If you can imagine, many of the couples in attendance were from  remote villages and had never been to Kiev, let alone had they eaten in a restaurant or stayed in a four star hotel! People were walking around wide-eyed and in gratitude all weekend-long and I've never heard thank you so many times! Part of the goal of the weekend was to pamper these couples, who work tirelessly day in and day out with little rest...and I think we succeeded in this goal.  The smiles on the faces throughout the weekend were simply amazing!

We were blessed to have a team of specialists and psychologists travel from the US and Canada to be a part of our event.  Seminars included, "Healing a Mother's Heart" ,"Strengthening Attachment through play", "The Biochemistry of Fear", "Strengthening Your Marriage" and "Learning the Essentials for Caring for Children with a History of Trauma" as well as others.

At one of the seminars

Team of speakers and organizers

Paul Pennington of Hope for Orphans, a ministry of Family Life, also partnered with us in the event and was the Saturday evening key-note speaker.  His ministry has a heart to see the church play the key role in solving the orphan crisis, and he brought great encouragement to our Ukrainian audience and challenged us all towards to bring the message back to our churches.

Here was some of the written feedback we got at the end of the conference.  Reading the response of the people who were there has really confirmed that we were doing just what God wanted us to do!

"We had never had time with other Christian foster parents and didn't understand the issues in our family that were happening and why. This time all together was so important. We know we are not alone.  For us being here was truly a miracle.  It was like a dream coming true. There simply are not words to describe the feelings of thankfulness that we have experienced."

"Such a conference lifted our wings and gave us the strength to go further.  We don't feel alone anymore.  Thank you for this gift, for the attention, for the smiles, for the kindness and for care that I have not seen anywhere else."

"These kind of conferences are really needed for instruction, strengthening, learning and support of our families.  We are grateful to God for the organization of this wonderful and helpful conference. God healed our hearts and gave us new strength. Thank you!"

"In going home we will forever remember and analzye everthing we learned and wrote down here. We have many people with whom we can share what we learned.  God bless you. We believe that through us God will continue to spread the revelation about adoption."

And none of this would have been possible with my AMAZING team that I get the privilege of working with everyday. Galina and Oksana are the angels in my office who are simply amazing at executing tasks and I would not be able to do what I do without them!  Both of them put in countless extra hours the week of the conference to make sure that it was an overwhelming success.

Thank you to all of you who gave towards this conference and who prayed for the families who'd be coming. God provided beyond our needs and I was amazed to see all the sources from which prayer and finances flowed. We had a moment of silence and prayer on the last morning and it was truly an indescribable moment. It was so evident that the Spirit of God was at work ministering the hearts of his children and there was hardly a dry eye in the room when I opened my eyes.  It's exciting to see God at work in the lives of these Ukrainian families and to know that hundreds of children will be reaping the benefits!

Weekend in Deutschland

So I headed to Frankfurt a week ago to work on opening a new Ukrainian visa and to see some dear friends.  The first goal of the trip didn't work out so well, but the second one was fabulous!  Apparently I was missing a very important document, and despite my arguing, the kind Ukrainian official did not want to hear all the reasons why he should accept my documents and give me a visa.  It's a long story, but the short of it is that I am still able to be in Ukraine without any problems for the next couple months, and I now know what documents I need to gather to have a more successful meeting with the consular officer next time. They like to keep up on our toes for sure.

Not getting my visa only allowed me to explore the beautiful city of Frankfurt more (gotta look for the positives, right?!)  What a beautiful city it is too! I'd been to other parts of Germany before but never Frankfurt- and it was better than I anticipated!  Though I don't really love traveling by myself, I do enjoy a day alone to explore and just be alone with God and my thoughts and prayers...and my camera!  I was finishing up my online photography course, so my camera and I had a delightful time exploring the sites and sounds of Frankfurt.

After some exploring, my friends Kristina and Chris picked me and took me away for a wonderful weekend with their family in the German country-side.  They adopted 2 kiddos from Ukraine about 3 years ago and I had the joy of getting to be a part of their process while they were in country.  We've been 'forever' friends since and it was awesome to reconnect.  Little Natalia loved her 'ukrainian' headdress that I brought her, and wanted to wear it the entire weekend.  Our weekend included a picnic at a castle, making home-made indian food, bowling, pedicures and a family-photo-session!

It's always nice getting a break in a new city- and with good friends it is a bonus!

Our conference for adoptive families is THIS week, so back to preparations for that! More on that later...

Strength for the Journey

About 2 weeks ago I had the privilege of traveling with a film crew from our office down to Kherson to film the testimony of an adoptive family who has welcomed 4 beautiful daughters into their home through adoption (and then they had a 5th daughter which was a surprise!).  We were looking to film the testimony of a family who had experienced transformation in their relationship with their adoptive children due to resources and training, and after making a few phone calls we discovered this delightful family in Tsurpinsk-- so made the trek south to visit with them and film their story.

The parents attended our 'Strengthening Families' conference in 2010 and were at the end of their 'rope' so to say with one of their daughters who had already been in the home several years.  They came to our conference in desperation, as they were on the verge of 'disrupting' the adoption because they didn't think they could handle their daughter's behavior any longer.  While at the conference they felt they had landed among people who could relate. Suddenly they were surrounded by other adoptive families who understood what they were talking about, could listen to their struggles and offer encouragement and counsel. At the conference they received several books in Russian with strategies to reach their daughter and left the weekend feeling hopeful and refreshed.

In the interview they shared with us that after they returned home from the conference, something shifted in their family. They saw their daughter through new eyes and felt they had new tools to parent her in a better way. They said within months their relationship had changed night and day-- they were different and she was different too. Since the 2010 conference they have become a part of an adoption support group in their region and have found this to be life giving as well.  To them adoption resources have been invaluable and have given them a paradigm shift in how they reach all of their daughters who have been adopted.

It was so encouraging to spend the afternoon with this family, hearing their story and playing with these precious (and very energetic) little girls. They danced for us, sang songs, and prepared a lovely Ukrainian meal for us all to enjoy.

Their house is simple-- a small 3 room flat, that most Americans could never dream of raising 5 children in- and yet it was so clear that this house was full of love and laughter- a place of safety.

Their story reminds me why I'm passionate about providing resources for adoptive families here in Ukraine! Because I see their value and I see the great need that remains.

 We are getting ready for our 'Strengthening Families' conference which is just 2 weeks away and I am expectant for how God will reach even more Ukrainian families and encourage them to not give up!

When there seems to be no way...

I've been on my fare share of adoption emotional roller coasters in the past several years.  Even though I have yet to adopt myself, I feel like I've earned a couple dozen kids when I think of the number of adoption processes I've walked through with families, and the amount of sweat and tears I've shed riding the roller-coaster that is called adoption.

This past month the Degnan family has been living with me in my home in Kiev.  Jamie and Tiffany and their daughter Lily are a part of Grace Place church in Colorado-- a church that feels like home to me, and yet I've never even been there!  About 7 families have passed through my home this year that are connected with this church, so whenever they land in Kiev we are quick to become  friends simply because we already have so many dear friends in common.

(*warning...I don't tend to write really long posts....but this is an exception, and if you keep reading you'll see why!)

At the Degnan's first adoption appointment they opted to not take a referral for a child, hoping they'd be given more files to choose from the second time around. The second referral sent them to a region to meet a darling little girl who they would later come to find out was already being pursued for adoption by another family.  In true Ukrainian fashion nothing here has gone in a timely manner, and thus the Degnans waited and waited weeks for their 3rd and final appointment with the adoption department.  In Ukraine you only get 3 chances to choose a child, and if the child says no, there are no 're-dos' - you go home.  Doesn't seem fair in a country with 30,000 orphans available for adoption, but that is the way the game here is played.

Well, their 3rd and final appointment was on Monday. I had hoped to go along, but the lady at the door didn't seem to like that idea, so I instead spent the next hour pacing in front of the door praying, praying and then praying some more and telling the devil to leave that building. After an hour they exited the room with faces bright and smiles...I took this as a good sign.

They quickly told me they had taken a referral for a 10-year-old-girl (for this post we'll call her Anya), a girl who had just become available the Friday before.  I guess God knows a thing or two about perfect timing doesn't He? I told them that her name means a gift from God, and in my heart I was praying that her name would be prophetic.

Plans were made for the family to depart that night to the region to meet her. However, before tickets were even purchased they got a phone call from the director of the orphanage and were told that Anya had been notified that a family was coming and made it clear to the director that she had no desire to be adopted.

My heart sunk for this family.  How could it be that after waiting in country for a month for a referral it could come down to selecting a child that didn't want to be adopted?

Though I typically don't travel to the regions with families, I felt like this situation warranted extra help and perhaps I could help bridge some communication gaps when they would meet her for the first time.  So we boarded the train, tried to tuck our worries away and settled in for the 10 hour journey to her region.

It seemed like the morning dragged on forever until we were finally able to meet her at around 1:00.  I think I was taking on the emotions of the family and everyone in the room, as my heart was in my throat and my stomach in absolute knots, realizing that the fate of this child and this family were about to be decided in the next few hours.  I wanted to believe the best, but there was this pit in my stomach saying that it wasn't going to go well.  Yet in spite of my doubts the lines of a song kept running through my head....

"God will make a way, where there seems to be no way...."

I've not sung that song since I was a little girl, and yet there it was in my head, loud and clear, as if I had sung it in church just yesterday.  Okay Lord, I thought, I believe that, I know you can make a way. So make it!

The next thing we know little Anya is walking into the the room.  She greeted us with her big brown beautiful eyes.  I told her that we were aware of her hesitations and yet this family was here to get to know her.  Would she be willing to get to know them a bit?  She smiled big and said yes and before we knew it we were carted off into another room where we proceeded to pour over pictures and share stories about life in America.  We told her about all the Ukrainian kids in their community in Colorado and how she would be able to have lots of Russian speaking little friends.  Her eyes seemed to light up at this information.

All in all the interactions seemed great. Nothing overtly magical, but she was sweet, made great eye-contact and seemed pleased to spend time with all of us.  She was whisked away for lunch after a short while and then came back for more pictures and questions. Before long everyone was called back into the director's office.  Everyone sensed what was about to happen.

We made our way in, Anya on one side of the table, the Degnans seated on the other side of the table with Lily and I standing behind them.  The director and inspector were behind the desk.  In very few words they looked at Anya and said, 'you know why this family is here, they would like you to be a part of their family.' 


The director went on to tell her that she had two choices, she could continue spending a little more time with the family getting to know them before making a decision or she could end the relationship building now and say no.'  You could have cut the tension in the room with a knife.  My heart was aching as I could sense the direction that this was headed.  And yet that song was still playing in my head....

"God will make a way, where there seems to be no way...."

With resolute eyes she looked at everyone in the face, looked down and then looked back up at the director, and then the words came out of her mouth, 'Better to end this now.'

My heart broke. Little Lily looked up at me,  'what did she say, Karen?'  I don't even want to open my mouth. 'She said no, sweetie,' not fully wanting to believe the words I'm giving life to in English.

I cannot put into words what it felt like to be in that room in that moment. It was like a bad dream. Here I was standing behind a family who was offering a little girl a new life, unconditional love, parental care, protection and hope of a better future.  They were standing there with arms wide open and she could see it, and yet the familiarity of the orphanage seemed the better choice.

Through tears they communicated to her that they understood her choice and wouldn't want to force her to do anything. She needed to want this.  And with very few other words spoken, that little brown-eyed girl walked out of the room, leaving a very silent room behind.

In that moment I felt as if I had been given just a tiny glimpse to the heart of God and how he feels towards us.  He offers us that same gift through Jesus, and yet how many people have chosen to walk away?  How many people would rather stay in their 'orphanage' then follow God into the unknown?  Do they really comprehend the gift they are rejecting?

In that moment I understood God's love and human free will in a way I never had before experienced.  Here was a family overwhelmed with love for a little girl they had only just met and yet they recognized that the love would only be real if she came to it on her own volition, not by coercion.  She had to make the choice.  And in that moment she had chosen to walk away.

And yet that silly song was still playing in my head.
"God will make a way, where there seems to be no way...."

Seriously God?? It's OVER. She said NO.  No more song!  I DON'T GET THIS!!!!  This doesn't make any sense!!  Here this family has spent a month in Ukraine, they have a heart for adoption, and now you bring them to this moment?  They go home without a child?  Lord, I do not understand your ways.

This was of course my internal dialogue that I was not communicating to our distraught party.  Just my own wrestling with God as I was trying to make sense of it all.

We all moved into another room to wait on the papers that needed to be drawn up saying that the girl had said no.  Once our eyes were dry from tears I had a really good talk with Tiffany. I remember so clearly the words she said.  "I don't have to understand the why of all this, I don't know how God is going to use our story, but I know he will.  I know that my faith doesn't hinge on this, it is bigger than this.  God is faithful and I now appreciate his love for me and my salvation in a whole new way."  I was amazed and humbled to see her hope in the midst of her deep deep pain.

We meandered our way back outside to find the taxis that were waiting for us.  We stood huddled together on the snowy pavement,  'hey look' I said to Tiffany  'the sun is still shinning.'  It was as if I was needing to remind myself, as much as I was them.

And then it happened.

The door flung open and out walks the facilitator with a smile on her face.  "Anya changed her mind!"

WHAT? We all said in disbelief.

She repeated herself...."Anya changed her mind!"

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

We learned that she had gone back to her class and couldn't focus one bit. Her mind was spinning and all of sudden her decision hit her hard.  She stood up in the middle of her class declaring, "What have I done?" and then raced down to the directors office to find out if it was too late. She had made a mistake and wanted the family to come back.

We all crowded back into the room and there she sat, a smile on her face with words declaring she'd made a mistake and this time she was certain in her answer. Her answer was yes...there was no doubt.

I have yet to know what was going through that little girl's mind, the fear and the hope perhaps wrapped all together in one.  I cannot imagine how difficult it was to say no and then how much courage it took to run back down those steps praying she wasn't too late.  I am glad she wasn't.

I'll admit, my faith at times is very small. I know God is a BIG God, but on this day I experienced this reality in a whole new way.  A glimpse of His heart, a glimpse of his love and a glimpse of his grace.

I think I'll have to start humming that song a little more often.

He will make a way...